The Problem With Branding Kids: They’re Growing

February 8, 2012 • Admissions, Education, Lowering Stress, Parenting • by

Here’s an interesting take on being true to yourself as a college applicant by Mike Chapman, as seen through the Tebow lens.  Tim Tebow, that is.
Though football is finally done for the season, and Eli Manning stole the show at the Super Bowl, Tebow was really the “It Guy” of the season.  He was the star of so many blogs and sports pieces and I can understand why, since he’s a true minority – someone who is willing to be his true self, lousy passes and all.  I respect him because of this and the authentic work he does with disabled kids and their families.

(As an aside, though, I can’t let the Tebow topic go without remarking about this public adulation of his behavior on the field. We get all warm inside about a handsome young white athlete who is willing to publicly express his Christian devotion, but would we feel the same way if he was Muslim, if at the end of each game he knelt facing Mecca to pray to Allah, if he quoted the Koran in tweets and to the press, if those were Koran references in Arabic on his cheeks?   Nah, he’d be booed by crowds everywhere, probably fired and certainly wiretapped by the FBI. OK, back to the topic…

While I agree that most of the five pieces of advice for college applicants made in the Chapman piece are good ones, I challenge his #2 suggestion to “establish your brand and communicate it”.    I get the concept.  Know thyself and stay true to that.  I agree, great advice. But I get crazy when educators and college admissions professionals use the term “brand”. Words are important and they often take on a life of their own, like the word “passion” did a decade ago in college admissions. “Brand” has become a colloquial term for identity, but it really doesn’t mean that at all. “Brand” connotes a consistent product that is being marketed for public consumption and here’s where I deviate from Mike Chapman and others.  This business mindset that has permeated American discourse has no business in the education of kids.

Sorry, fellow entrepreneurs, but people are not brands.  People are people.

Teenagers are growing, guys.  They generally don’t have a clue what their “brand” is, just as they didn’t have a clue what their “passion” was years ago, because they’re just getting through their days, consumed with trying to meet often-conflicting demands from adults while struggling to stay afloat in the raging rapids of their social networks.  The job of the adolescent is to come to understand who they are relative to others.  This process takes years, since their brains continue growing well past the age of 25.  Why in the world would we expect them to think of themselves as “brands” when they are changing so rapidly, when they barely know themselves as individuals, when they can hardly think past tomorrow?

Expecting them to “establish your brand and communicate it” becomes just another unrealistic expectation by the adults in their world, spooling up more anxiety in their parents who are liable to take this brand advice to heart if it means getting their kid into Harvard. Our job as adults is to calm young people down and assure them in every way we know how that they are OK the way they are, messiness and all.  They don’t need to concoct passions or a brand identity to make us happy or to be admitted to college.  They just have to be themselves and find a college that will love them for that.

Vassar, WTF? Another Postcard From the Land of Unaccountability in College Admissions

January 31, 2012 • Admissions, Education, Lowering Stress • by

This is a story of how adults act when busted, when accountability becomes a principle in name only.

I train senior admissions officers to become Deans and Directors.  I was trained by the people who were trained by the father of all private college admissions, B. Alden Thresher, known as BAT Thresher.  Being an avid Jeffersonian, BAT believed that private college admissions should serve society and their staffs should see themselves as educators.  That lofty concept seems like just a pipe-dream now, with the common acceptance of the business model that rules college admissions.  The Vassar College screw-up is a prime example of how things are done today and here’s my take on that.  Spoiler alert:  they aren’t going to like it much.

We know the facts.  Vassar posted an admit letter to test their electronic notification system and forgot to either do that testing or to take it down when they were done.  Either way, because of this mistake, 122 Early Decision applicants learned the happy news that they were admitted, only to learn shortly thereafter that 76 weren’t actually admitted at all – sorry about that.  Worse, Vassar told about half of those no-longer-admitted applicants that they would be reconsidered in the regular pool, leaving about 30-odd students to feel the double sting of rejection after the elation and public embarrassment of the mistaken admission.  As a consolation prize, they’ve been offered their application fee back.  Really, Vassar?

Let’s get real.

These kids were applying for Early Decision.  ED applicants are usually the strongest candidates, the ones who will enroll if admitted.  They are the home crowd, loyal to the brand, drinkers of the Kool-Aid.   Though I did not see or read the entire Early applicant pool at Vassar this year, I’d bet my next month’s paycheck that every one of those 76 kids who got the bad news would do fine at Vassar.  Maybe some had lower scores or lower grades than others, but honestly, they would be OK students in the end.  Vassar is a rigorous place, but it’s far from impossible.

If I were training the new Director for Vassar Admissions, I would have urged that person to swallow their pride and take all 122 Early, to eat it and welcome those students with joy, to turn that stupid mistake into a wonderful moment for everyone.   It’s the right thing to do.  And it teaches young people how adults are accountable in the toughest moments, how it’s possible to make a mistake and still hold grace.

Instead, Vassar’s arrogant decision to hold the line and reject some of those applicants is not only stupid, cruel and immoral, it smells like a business decision to me.  Perhaps the lower scores of some of those falsely admitted kids would lower the average SAT results for this year or the higher admit rate might do some damage to Vassar’s #14 standing on the USNWR ranking.  (Admissions owns 4 of the 17 indicators in the algorithm afterall.)  Perhaps some of those mistakenly admitted kids need more financial aid than others, forcing Vassar to dig deeper into its endowment.

Whatever the reason, Vassar Admissions lost their moral moment and abdicated their role as educators.  I strongly encourage that staff to get copies of BAT Thresher’s iconic book, “College Admissions and the Public Interest” to read and discuss at their annual staff retreat this year.  Time to get their manners back.

How To Create Peace At Home During the College Application Process

December 21, 2011 • Admissions, Creativity, Education, Lowering Stress, Parenting • by

Well, we’re now full-blown in the holiday season again (didn’t we just do this a few months ago?) and if you are the parent of a high schooler applying to college, you probably aren’t singing songs of joy and peace right about now.  Chances are, your child is having the usual teenage mood swings and rebellion compounded by all the additional stress of applying to college and the ultimate fear/Nirvana:  leaving you for college come fall.  If your home is peaceful, please write and tell the rest of us how you’ve managed that.  If you are typical, though, you probably need a breather from the increasing tension.

I know a lot about such things because I’ve been through that minefield.  And if you think it’s hard to parent a 17 year old, wait until you have to parent a 20-something, which is where I am now.  24 is the new 17.  Yikes!   So here’s my holiday gift to you…

My surefire recipe for creating peace at home in stressful times

Step 1.  Lock yourself in the bathroom and breathe.  Breathing is very under-rated.  It calms the nervous system and slows the heart.  The goal is to get centered in what is happening around you and how you feel about it.  In other words, locking yourself in the bathroom gives you some distance, and distance is good when your nerves are frayed and you are about to say or do something stupid that you’ll later regret.

Step 2.  Accept the fact that you are not applying to college.  Your child is.  This is not your firewalk.  You don’t have to stay up all night making applications to school. Your academic performance is not about to be judged.  You are not about to be accepted or rejected by strangers. It isn’t happening to you, though it sure feels like it.  Breathe some more and feel a tiny bit of relief as you meditate on this thought: aren’t you glad you’re not your child?

Step 3.  Remember that your role in this college application business is to be your family’s grounding cord.  You’ve lived through harrowing times before and have came through them OK.  You know that life ebbs and flows, that it brings great times and tough times.  That’s what we signed up for when we decided to be human beings.  So breathe again and ask yourself how you can ground the rest of your family and create a peaceful home.  Breathe in some of that peaceful feeling that you’d like to inject.

Do What Only You Can Do

Step 4.   Commit to yourself that you will be unflappable in the coming weeks.  You will listen and empathize and go on with your life without trying to fix anything, because you are doing what only you can do – modeling healthy adult behavior during a tough time.  You are literally showing your child how it’s done.  Matching their own anxiety doesn’t help them.  It just makes everything worse.

Step 5.  If you want to clear your anxiety and frayed nerves, there is nothing like tapping (EFT).  Here is a great script for that. If not, there are many other ways to stay calm in the center of a Category 5 storm:  breathing; meditation; reading; going for a walk; talking to a friend or a “paid friend”.  Remember what flight attendants tell us upon boarding a plane: place your own oxygen mask on before helping others.   Your child needs you to stay strong and relaxed now.  Your family needs you to create peace.  And you need to enjoy the holidays.

 

A Tapping Script To Lower Anxiety

December 20, 2011 • Admissions, Lowering Stress, Parenting, Uncategorized • by

Tapping is the perfect first aid for both the parents of students applying to college and for the applicants themselves when the anxiety of the college application process gets overwhelming.

Check out this basic tapping video by the wonderful Jessica Ortner to learn this simple technique. And yes, it is this simple.  ;-)

It’s best to tap when you feel the strongest emotions.  When you get stressed, step away from everyone, find a private place and start tapping.  Here is a good script to follow- speak these words as you tap.  Feel free to add your own words, since it should fit your experience. Or you can just feel the emotion and say nothing at all.  Just feel and tap.  You can’t do it wrong and you can’t screw it up.  Your body wants to clear the excess charge on your nervous system that’s causing the pain and will respond eagerly.  You might experience yawning, which is an excellent signal that your energy is moving and the tapping is working.  You may feel very tired by the end, also a good sign, so let yourself rest for awhile.  Listen to your body.  It always knows best what it needs.

I’ve given you three rounds, but you can do as many as you want.  EFT Master Dr. Pat Carrington, creator of the “choice” method I use here, says you’ll help yourself no matter what if you tap at least 5 rounds.  I tap every day to keep myself calm and clear.

The abbreviations refer to the point on your body where you’ll tap about 5-7 times as you speak the associated sentence.  Tapping does look strange, so you might feel more comfortable doing this in a private space.  Make sure to drink some water before and after.  The body is more electric than chemical, afterall.

Round 1: 

Karate Chop (KC):      Even though I’m so upset and for good reason, I accept myself and all of these feelings.   (say this 3 times)

Eyebrow (EB):              I’m so upset.

Side of Eye (SE):          I’m so worried/anxious/afraid.

Under Eye (UE):          What if the worst happens?

Under Nose (UN):      What will I do?  How will I handle that?

Chin (CP):                     It’s all up to me and I’m feeling overwhelmed.

Collarbone (CB):          I wish I could calm down.

Under Arm (UA):         I’m so worried, upset and anxious.

Top of Head (TH):       I just want everything to be over because I can’t stand the stress.

Round 2: 

KC:            Even though I’m so stressed out and I have good reason to be – anybody would be -, maybe there is a way to see this differently.    (3x)

EB:            This upset/stress/worry is so uncomfortable.

SE:             I’ve been through trying times before.

UE:            I know this situation won’t last forever.

UN:            Maybe I just need to take a break and vent.

CP:             Maybe I can get more sleep and eat nutritious food.

CB:             This too shall pass.

UA:            I know I can calm down eventually and I’d like to feel calm now.

TH:            I accept myself and my situation completely.  That’s the way life is.

Round 3:

KC:            Even though I’m still upset/worried/stressed out, I choose to be calm, confident and relaxed.  (3x)

EB:            Calm, confident and relaxed.

SE:             I choose to know that everything is going to be OK.

UE:            I choose to see that in this moment I’m safe and all is well.

UN:           I choose to be calm, confident and relaxed.

CP:            Calming down now, relaxing my body.

CB:            It feels good to take a break and feel calm, confident and relaxed.

UA:           Calm, confident and relaxed.

TH:           I accept myself and my situation completely and choose to feel calm, confident and relaxed.  Everything is going to be OK.

Repeat as many times as you’d like.

Why I Want Everyone To Learn Tapping

December 20, 2011 • Admissions, Lowering Stress, Parenting, Uncategorized • by

Since I’ve been pitching tapping (EFT) in a few of my blogs, I figured I’d take the opportunity to tell you what I’m talking about and why I want everyone to learn the technique.

Tapping is a quick and effective way to relieve any kind of pain, whether it is physical, emotional, mental or spiritual. Also known as EFT or Emotional Freedom Technique (which I think is a misnomer because it works so broadly), tapping is like acupuncture without needles.  The underlying concept is that pain comes from a blockage somewhere in your energy system.  Because you don’t know where the blockage actually is, you tap on certain points on your body where some of those 80, 000 meridians that make up your vast energy system come together.  And voila…in a few short minutes, you usually get relief.

I use it everyday for something.  Last night, for example, I bumped the top of my head hard on a cabinet corner, the kind of accident I knew would swell.  I tapped for about 1 minute. The pain went away completely and I have no lump or even bruise today.  No need for ice. ;-)   Frankly, there isn’t room enough in this blog to describe the many times I’ve used it and received miraculous results.  Stopped bleeding with it.  Made burns and headaches go away in minutes.  Cured flying, elevator and water phobias.  Stopped PTSD in its tracks. Tapping is especially excellent for taking anxiety down quickly, which is why I teach it to so many of my clients.  And anyone – even kids – can do it.  I want everyone to learn this because it’s the fastest and most effective way to get out of pain I’ve ever experienced.

Here is a short video to show you how to tap:

I understand your skepticism.  Tapping makes no sense based on the science we all learned in school, science rooted in Newtonian physics where the universe is made of matter and substance and follows certain inalienable rules (Newton’s Laws).  But since we left school, scientific discovery has moved on and if we choose to, we can now see the world through the lens of quantum physics, where the universe is vibrational like humming rubber bands and DNA is directly affected by the vibration of emotion.  Quantum physics trumps Newtonian physics and offers us exciting possibilities for future discovery.  Read anything by Lisa Randall, Michio Kaku or Bruce Lipton and your world will change forever.

There are many tapping videos by the field’s experts on YouTube so you can tap along.  Anything by Carol Look is great.  She is my tapping supervisor for my training and is one of the small cadre of EFT Masters.  I’m also crazy about Margaret Lynch who specializes in tapping for money issues.  I relate to Margaret alot because she is an engineer, fun, funny, slightly outrageous and extraordinarily effective.  She also takes the tapping one step further by combining it with energy concepts taught by her partner Rhys Thomas, founder of The Rhys Thomas Institute of Energy Medicine in MA.

It doesn’t matter whether or not you understand it or believe in it.  Just like gravity, it works anyway. ;-)   I urge you to open your mind and use it on yourself, your kids, your animals, your plants.  Try it on anything and see for yourself.

 

 

Rejection is God’s Protection: How to Support Your Child Through Early Action or Early Decision Disappointment – Part 1

December 9, 2011 • Admissions, Lowering Stress, Parenting • by

If Your Child is an Early Applicant, Your Heart is Probably in Your Throat About Now 

“Rejection is God’s Protection.”  I wish I could tell you that I thought that one up myself, but I actually heard it from Jeff Goldblum’s character on a Law and Order episode last year. It has a ring of truth to it, though, doesn’t it? I use it a lot and especially now since the Early decisions are being released by so many colleges.

If your child is one of those Early applicants, I hope they are admitted to the college of their choice and that your lives can move into that ‘new normal’ phase between admission and fall enrollment characterized by relief and the dread of eventual parting. But statistically, the odds are against any one candidate, especially at the premier private colleges, so there’s a good chance your child will feel the sting of disappointment and rejection.

Which means you will feel it too. ;-(

But as your child’s grounding cord, it’s time to prepare yourself for whatever happens so you can help them pass through the experience gracefully.

Begin by accepting that you have no control of this. Your child might actually learn the decision at school when they are among peers (I hope not). At least getting the news at home can afford them some privacy. You know your child best, but I encourage you to take your lead from them. No gathering the whole family together around the computer screen to witness the moment, or race to open any envelope. Your child will probably want to do this alone.

If Your Child Gets Rejected from the Early Application Process, It’s Tough But It’s a Clean Break

Let it settle in whatever way your child allows. Don’t try to cheer them up.  Let them have their grief.  A light touch is required here – offer your love and support and at the teachable moment when your child can hear you, tell them that rejection really is God’s protection and here’s why. Then tell them a story from your own past, one they haven’t heard. It should be a pretty painful and embarrassing one if possible in order to match their own feelings.

I always tell kids that whew, the rejection has prevented them from messing up their future by sending them toward the school where they’ll soon meet their best friends in the world and maybe even a future spouse.  (I always reframe to the positive.  You know, like when the door closes, the window opens.)

The point is to love them and show them in every way that while this moment is a drag, life goes on and life is good. Make them their favorite food. Give them extra TLC. Your brave young warrior just got a kick to the gut, but they’ll be OK in the end. They will have to organize quickly to get their regular action college applications done and submitted. You can help by keeping them focused on moving forward.

What if the decision your child receives is a deferral, which most decisions will be?

The Myth About Perfect

January 1, 2010 • Lowering Stress • by

The Myth About Perfect

By Marilee Jones

If the hallmark of the Boomers generation is the focus on ‘me’, and the hallmark of Gen X is the need to control their own lives, then the hallmark of the Millennials is the need to be perfect.  Millennials have been the most protected, experienced, exposed, pressured generation in history and few of them feel that they’re good enough.  We adults have handed them a template of behavior by which they will know they are OK.  They are to: always make good grades; avoid drugs, alcohol and sex because all are dangerous now; take chances and show initiative but never fail because failure is the kiss of death; develop a ‘passion’ to appeal to college admissions officers; keep smiling; and love us no matter what.

Obviously, this is not as nature had intended and many young people are hurting from being made to feel ‘less than’ because they don’t fit the pattern.  In this culture based on bold action, what happens to the dreamers?  The visionaries?  The healers?  The thinkers?  The artists?  The hermits? The loners?  Everyone has unique DNA with unique talents and desires.  People are meant to be different from one another and the culture needs all of us.

There is no perfect.  Perfectionism is a disease, an addiction to be avoided at all costs.  Growth and ultimate success lies in the imperfection of failure and the resilience that develops as a result.

If your child is a perfectionist, begin to consciously celebrate imperfection within your family.  Offer compassion instead of judgment, express humor instead of anger.  Remember your many past imperfections and how they all worked out for you in the end and when you have that teachable moment, tell your child about them.  Through your own acceptance you’ll let them know that it’s OK and safe for them to be themselves in the world.  And the world will be grateful for this.